From one breastfeeding mom to another: You're not alone.

I have a lot of friends who are new moms and I am SO excited for all of you. Many of you have made the decision to breastfeed your baby- or at least give it a shot. For those of you that are breastfeeding or considering breastfeeding, I want to encourage you.

Breastfeeding is hard. You’ve probably heard this already, and maybe you’ve already prepared yourself for it. But I’ll say it again- BREASTFEEDING IS HARD.

If you are one of those that wants to breastfeed but are having some struggles and considering switching to formula, please don’t feel like you’re a failure because you switched. You tried and you decided on a different path and so long as your baby is fed- you’re succeeding!

However, if you are wanting to pursue the breastfeeding path despite the struggles, this post is for you.

I feel like I’m a pretty good example of someone who had some struggles with breastfeeding at the beginning, but through support, a wonderful lactation consultant/midwives, and persistence, I was able to continue to breastfeed and stay sane! We are now happily 5 months in and my breastfeeding goals are continuing to increase from 6 months, to a year. and now I'm thinking- what the heck, lets go for 18-24 months! 😮

Since Leo was born in a birth center, we were discharged a short 6 hours after he was born- and I only had one successful latch (that only lasted 10 minutes) before I left. I thought to myself, “This wasn’t that hard, we got the hang of this pretty fast!” Then came our next feed. When we got home from the center, I tried to nurse again, with no success. My LC said that that’s normal, but to continue to offer the breast every hour until he latches. He eventually ate a little bit, but not much at all (maybe 10 minutes worth). Then it was time to go to bed. We went to bed and I woke up about 3 hours later to feed Leo. Once again, he didn’t seem interested. I’d done my research and in all of my birthing classes I heard: the baby shouldn’t go longer than 4 hours without food, and will likely eat every 2-3 hours. So, I laid him back down and let him sleep a little longer. I tried again about 30 minutes later. We continued to try for the next FIVE hours without any success. We both cried. And cried. And cried. We did some skin to skin to calm down. We snuggled some more and eventually, he latched. I had to calm down because my stress wasn’t helping him. We tried multiple positions, offering different breasts, self expressing before offering. We tried baby led feeding where I would lay him on my chest and let him find the nipple and begin to latch on his own. I honestly don’t even remember what worked. I just know that I finally got him to eat and I was exhausted and in pain. He didn’t have a good latch, but I didn’t care- my baby had FINALLY decided he was going to latch and eat. Because of my experience our first night, I decided that as long as I could hear Leo swallowing milk, I wouldn’t worry about the latch- even if it hurt. And it did. I was bloody, cracked, pinched, and tender. But I pushed through. We didn’t have any formula to offer, nor did I want to introduce formula yet. I was mentally prepared for breastfeeding to be difficult, I just didn’t know HOW difficult, and even though I was prepared- that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t upset or emotional that it didn’t go as well as it did in the birth center the first time. Plus- my hormones were going crazy anyway.

Our 48 hour check up couldn’t come fast enough. When my midwives saw how torn up my breasts were, they immediately offered a nipple shield and asked why I didn’t contact them sooner. I know why I didn’t, and it was because I wanted to figure it out on my own and didn’t want to be a nuisance. I didn’t want to bug them with more questions or call them in the middle of the night. I came to realize that I wasn’t a nuisance and that if I'm struggling that much to ask for help! That’s their job and they WANT to help. Had I not had my 48 hour postpartum visit, Leo and I could have suffered a great deal more because of my insecurities and stubbornness. So, if you’re thinking about contacting an LC or your doctor but don’t want to because you’ve already asked or needed a bunch of help- just do it! My midwives were so encouraging and wanted to let me know that I wasn’t alone and should never feel that way. They are only a phone call away- 24/7. This gave me great peace, support, and encouragement.

But the struggle continued. We started to use the nipple shield and it was a LIFE SAVER. Though, because he was able to latch better, my milk started coming in faster and my let down was SO strong that Leo would often choke on the milk. He also over-ate a ton because my milk would come out so quickly. Mostly, I was glad that he was getting enough to eat, but it did cause issues on its own (minor ones, mind you- and mostly just adding to the laundry because of the gallons of spit up).

After about a week of using the nipple shield exclusively, I started trying to wean him off of that and see if we could get a correct latch. This took a LOT of patience and tears. Both Leo and I would spend a good 30 minutes during each feed trying to figure things out. Both of us often getting frustrated. One thing I had to remember was that babies have to learn how to do this too. It’s natural, but also takes time to learn. We can both get frustrated, but over time (most of the time), you’ll both get the hang of it. Some feeds were better than others without the shield. My left side was my biggest struggle. He would latch when I would hold him in a football hold, but I would always end up bleeding by the end of the feed. Shortly after, Leo started spitting up blood. I mean, a LOT of blood. I didn’t make the connection because I didn’t think I bled THAT much, but his pediatrician said that it was just from my breast and nothing to worry about (expect to make sure he is latching correctly). This continued for another week- every time I would try to feed him from my left side without the nipple shield, he was spit up bright red blood- freaking me out every time. We took him to the chiropractor and Dr. K asked about his feeding habits and if Leo had a prefered side. We told him our issues and he checked his neck for mobility and adjusted him using incredibly light pressure. After that visit, Leo had few problems latching on my left side and I could even use the cradle position! A couple more weeks of weaning and Leo was finally nipple shield free!

I was persistent. We worked really hard- and it took at least 6 weeks to figure things out. We never gave up and I often reached out for help from friends and my LC (after my 48 appt that is). We didn’t have the money for formula, so breastfeeding was really the only real option we had. We had to make it work. One of my biggest motivating factors when it came to breastfeeding was that it’s essentially free! I’m so glad I stuck with it. I feel like such a super woman knowing that I’m helping sustain a human life with my milk! Here is what milk drunk looks like:

If you are a new mom and are struggling with breastfeeding or have some questions about it, I’d be happy to offer some advice and encouragement. But please know that I am not a lactation consultant and my advice should not replace a visit to an LC if you have some serious issues with breastfeeding.  I’d encourage anyone who is struggling to also join a breastfeeding support group. Be sure to find one that is right for you- a no-judgement zone. I do believe that most women who want to breastfeed would be more likely to reach their breastfeeding goals with support and education.

Leo's Birth Story

It was the morning of October 27^th. I had already taken vacation days from work because this was supposed to be the last weekend before Leo’s due date. I had big plans to finish deep cleaning every nook and cranny of our house. After a good, full and restful night’s sleep, I got up at 8am to let the dogs out and went to the bathroom. Since it was my day off I decided a little more sleep wouldn’t hurt and laid back down in bed. I started to drift off when I felt like I was starting to pee just a tiny bit. I didn’t think much of it; I was nine months pregnant- that stuff happens sometimes. But then the little dribbles kept coming. So I get up to go back to the bathroom and when I stood up: WHOOSH! I said “Andrew, I think my water just broke.” As though there was a spring under Andrew, he jumped out of bed and started asking about what I needed him to do.

As I rushed to the bathroom and figured out what my next steps were, Andrew got on the phone with Mandesa, the midwife on call at Baby+Co. I start running around packing our last minute items, trying to remember everything. It was like a cartoon- I was running around, trying not to leak everywhere, Andrew was getting the dogs taken care of and trying to make sure I’m ok. Since we live an hour away from the Baby+Co, AND I was GBS+ (group B Strep- which requires antibiotics that have to be administered at least four hours prior to delivery), Mandesa told us to come on in. We arrived around 9:45am.

One thing they don’t tell you about your water breaking- IT KEEPS COMING. It’s not just one big whoosh- oh no, it’s buckets and buckets and it DOESN’T stop. That being the case, when I stood up from getting out of the car, ANOTHER big WHOOSH of amniotic fluid gushed. Mandesa was at the door of the birth center laughing hysterically as I squatted outside of my car while water gushed beneath me- and I’m sure the guy standing next to his car in the parking spot next to us laughed a little too. Another cartoonish scene.

I got in the exam room and she checked me: 4 cm.

I was a little disheartened. I HAD to be further than that. I spent the night in the hospital at 36 weeks due to pre-term labor like symptoms and left being a “loose 3cm.” I had Braxton hicks very regularly every day following up to D-Day and thought for sure I was more than 4 cm.

But lo and behold, I was only 4 cm. After checking me, she stripped my membranes- I don’t really know what that is- but it hurt REALLY bad. As soon as she was done, I vomited.

Even though I was only 4 cm, on to the birthing suite we went. They usually only admit you when you are at least 6cms. But again, since I was GBS+, they wanted to take extra precautions. Mel, our friend and photographer, had already arrived bringing us Chickfila (of course!). My contractions were still three- five minutes apart, so I felt like I was able to eat without any problems. It was yummy the first time, but the second time- not so much. Almost immediately after I finished my chicken minis- they reappeared. I got in the shower, then the tub. I threw up. Got on the bed, back in the tub, back to the bed. I threw up. After about an hour or two (time got away from me), I started feeling this overwhelming urge to poop. I started to labor on the toilet (don’t hate it until you try it, ladies!). Once again, I vomited. I probably vomited 5 or 6 times before it was over. It was the way my body was dealing with the pain. Though I wasn’t feeling a lot of back pain- anytime I would try to lay on my back or side during a contraction I felt like I was going to die. I just couldn’t do it. I’m SO grateful for the ability and freedom to move around, but the most important part of the labor was breathing through the contractions and making sure I was relaxing my face. As cheesy as it might sound, verbally saying “I can do this,” “My body was made for this,” and “Relax and breath” was SO helpful. I spent a lot of time in prayer too- asking God for strength. Andrew read my birth affirmations to me and kept reminding me of how great of a job I was doing. That too, was incredibly helpful.

Then I hit the transition phase. One minute long or longer contractions with less than 15 seconds in between them. I felt like transition lasted for about an hour, but time was a foreign concept at this point. I was exhausted.

After four hours- right about 2:15pm, Mandesa came in to give me my antibiotics and check my progress. I was expecting to be maybe 6 or 7cm. Nope. 9.5 cm! I was ALMOST THERE!

After she got the antibiotics in me, she got me in the tub (where I wanted to give birth) and then pushed the IV’s through. Here was another cartoonish moment. Since I was allowed to go into the birthing suite early, Mandesa didn't admit me- thinking I'd be in labor for quite some time since this was my first child. She was rushing around calling for the other midwives, doing the paperwork to admit me, laughing the whole time at how fast I progressed.  

Within a minute of finishing the fluids, I was ready to push and I involuntarily started to. I pushed for about 15 minutes before she let me feel for him and once I felt his head, I knew I could do it. I was so close. I pushed for another 5 minutes and then Leo was out! And get this- no lie, "Ice, Ice Baby" was playing during his grand entrance!

That moment was so surreal. He was handed to me immediately for that skin-to-skin. The moment was absolutely precious. A wave went over me and the only pain I felt, or remembered feeling was a sore throat from all the vomit. No labor pain, nothing. It's funny how our bodies make us forget the pain. I could solely focus on my baby and making sure he was healthy. 

We spent the next two hours skin-to-skin and I breastfed for the first time. That was way harder than I anticipated (read my last post about breastfeeding). And then I watched Andrew as he loved on our son for the first time. My heart was overflowing with joy and love. 

My whole birth experience was incredible. It was perfect in every way. God knew that we needed some sort of assurance of when my labor was starting. Because of that, my water broke. We were both able to get a good, full night's rest before going into labor. I needed four hours of antibiotics before I could deliver without needing to stay late for observation- I gave birth 4 hours and thirty minutes after getting my first dose. One of my biggest desires going into delivery (aside from having a healthy baby) was that I would have a water birth- I was able to.  Andrew was absolutely incredible- I couldn’t have hired a doula better than Andrew. The midwife I had grown the closest too was on call when we went into labor- and let me tell you, Mandesa was amazing. Mel was able to capture the intense and beautiful moments leading up to, during, and just after, Leo’s birth. I would not change a thing about Leo’s birth day. Having a natural water birth with the support of my husband and midwife was more than I deserved and I don't take any of it for granted. God has blessed us tremendously by giving us Leo. 

Here is the birth video I made with the photos taken by Mel. I highly recommend hiring a birth photographer! Sure it might be a little weird, but the images captured are so worth it.

Content Disclaimer: Most of the video I am wearing only a bathing suit top and an adult diaper. If seeing my pregnant belly or my beautiful but deep stretch marks makes you uncomfortable or offended- this video is not for you. 

I was hesitant to post because I show more skin than I would normally feel comfortable sharing. However, these moments are so beautiful, my body is so strong, the day so unforgettable. Giving birth is an incredible experience and while it's intense and a surreal- its also incredibly beautiful. I also hope to encourage other pregnant women/ new moms who might feel disgusted by their bodies. I hope that they would see that their bodies are strong, beautiful bodies that created another human inside of them. It might be a different body than you're used to- but its beautiful none-the-less. 

Quality Disclaimer: While the pictures are beautiful and professional, the video editing is not. I threw this together using imovie in just a few days. Don’t judge the video making too critically. J

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjgsKSY5GC4

Thank you so much for watching and reading!

Our Underestimation of Parenthood

BOY! What a magical, wonderful whirlwind. Being a mom has been, and still is, an incredible experience.

The labor and delivery of our little Leo was incredible (That story will be shared on another post, for another day). Since we gave birth at a birthing center, we went home the same day I delivered , which was both wonderful and terrifying. Our first night with him was one of the hardest, emotionally draining nights so far.

One word: breastfeeding.

I completely underestimated the difficulty of breastfeeding. Even though I went to the classes, I read SO many resources, talked with many moms- the fact is, nothing can fully prepare you for the emotional roller coaster that is breastfeeding (especially that first night). Before I left the birthing center, I was able to get Leo to latch once. It was difficult, and my midwife talked me through it and worked with me on positioning and proper latching, but eventually he latched and I felt confident that if I did it once, I could do it again. However, when it came time to nurse that night, this was easier said than done. I tried everything, but the poor baby wouldn't latch and instead was just crying and crying- so we cried together as I held him close, hoping and praying that my milk would be sufficient and that we would be able to do this whole breastfeeding thing. I tried to nurse him for almost 4 hours with no success. At that point, I was really worried about him starving. I laid him back down to sleep (on my chest), and I laid awake to make sure he was breathing. About an hour later, I tried to nurse again. This time, he latched but it was incorrect. I didn't care and even though it hurt SO bad, he was eating so I didn't try to latch him correctly. This trend continued for the first 36 hours. I do NOT recommend this. Ask for help, contact your lactation consultant, keep trying. I was stubborn and I wanted to figure it out on my own and my fear of him starving drove me to keep doing it wrong. With both nipples bloody and tender, nursing was definitely not something I enjoyed. Thankfully, we had an appointment with our midwives two days after his birth and they provided me with a nipple shield to help them heal while continuing to nurse. I'm telling you- it was magic and was SO helpful. We are working on weening him off of the shield and while that has taken almost a week, we have gone almost two days without using it at all! YAY! So new moms who are wanting to breastfeed- stick with it, ask for help, and if you need to cry- do it! But be confident, don't get frustrated with your little one- you are both learning!
                                    

Once we got the hang of breastfeeding, life with a newborn got much easier (but not easy). Leo is a pretty gassy baby and we are still working on finding the culprit. Am I not burping well? Is it something I'm eating? Does he have reflux?
Sometimes he just cries and not being able to soothe or figure out why he is crying is truly heartbreaking. He really hates clothes and sleeping in his bassinet. Since he spits up so much, we haven't been worried so much with the bassinet because we were worried he would choke if he was on his back. So instead we opted to let him sleep on our chests or elevated in the swing. We now have some triangles to help keep him on his side and are using books to elevate his head in the bassinet and my worry has diminished quite a bit. He still doesn't love sleeping in the bassinet, but he's getting better! Its so true though, that moms will just stare at their babies while they sleep to make sure they are still breathing. I sure did, and still do and don't regret it for a second. Despite what I've confessed so far, Leo is actually a pretty great baby. He is SO fun to watch and has this adorable personality. He loves to cuddle (and I don't mind either). He's perfect even when things are tough for mom and dad.

As far as the rest of parenthood goes- I once again underestimated everything. I underestimated how much netflix I could watch in one day. How long I can go without sleep. How well my body adjusts to 1.5-2 hour sleeps. How much I don't care how many times I get peed on, pooped on, spit up on. How hard it is to get a baby to go to sleep. I underestimated how much laundry I would be doing (EVERYDAY). I underestimated my family and friends and how much they would care for us.

I underestimated how many hours I would spend simply staring into his perfect eyes and getting lost in the beauty and blessing that God had given us. I underestimated how much I would love sleeping with Leo on my chest. How much I truly needed to rely on God for strength, patience, and understanding. I underestimated how much more I could fall in love with Andrew as I watched him be a daddy and care for me so well. How much I loved watching Leo's animated expressions. I underestimated how different life would be with our baby and how much I would love it.

But mostly, I underestimated the depth of love that I was capable of.

I love you little Leo- more than words can ever say. 

 

                           

Ramblings of an Almost Full-term Pregnant Woman.

As I sit here sipping my tea, just finishing up my second bath of the day, I am realizing what all those seasoned moms have been talking about: The last few weeks of pregnancy can be pretty miserable at times.

When I sit, my back hurts. When I lay down, I feel sick. I'm popping tums like candy and my throat still feels like a cauldron of acid. Leo's kicks are getting stronger and, though I love to feel his perfect little body kick and stretch, my ribs wouldn't mind the break. Braxton Hicks contractions have started and though I don't feel all of them (or they don't hurt), there have been a few that have given me a false alarm as to my labor beginning. I am exhausted.

Do I regret getting pregnant? Absolutely not. I love that I have this opportunity. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow a child inside of me and be his mommy but that doesn't mean that I LOVE every second of it (but I have loved almost all of it). Something that our birthing class talked about this week was the fact that we can be joyful and excited and grateful AND at the same time not love every second of the struggle we are going through. This seemingly contradictory statement reminds me of Paul in the book of James, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when we face trials and temptations..." (James 1:2-4). Does anyone actually love struggling? No. Can we still find joy in the struggle? Absolutely. Totally. Yes. 

Side note: Every new mom should take a GOOD birthing class. Ours, at Baby+Co, have been SO informative and I feel super prepared to give birth. 

At 35 weeks pregnant, the reality of giving birth and actually having to raise a child is finally starting to set in. While the fear can be crippling, I must continue to turn to God for the strength and knowledge of what I am supposed to do and how we are supposed to parent. This entire journey has caused me to rely more and more on God and less on myself and Andrew. While it is liberating, it has also been difficult to let go of control. When fear and doubt start creeping in, I am reminded of John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you: my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

This verse has also applied to my decision about my career. 

A lot of people have been wondering and asking about what I will be doing after Leo arrives. Will I continue to work for PPM full time? Will I continue to travel and lead trips? Will my roll change at all with PPM? The answer to all of these questions is YES. But let me explain.

After my 12 weeks of maternity leave, I will be returning to PPM full-time sometime in February. Shortly thereafter, in Mid-March, I will begin leading trips again. This is where things will change the most.

For the past three years, my focus has been in Tucson, AZ and I have been part of the Western US team. I have LOVED working in Tucson- the family I have inherited, the friends I have made, the ministries that have forever changed my heart. But my time and focus has now been shifted to Miami, FL. I have led a handful of trips in Miami and have been there a few times on vacation. The vibrant colors, the diversity, the busyness- it's such a beautiful place in desperate need of Jesus. While I'm sad to leave Tucson, I am thrilled for this new opportunity in the East US team.

Let me rewind here a minute.
Once Andrew and I found out we were having a baby, I began to think about leaving Praying Pelican, but I wanted to seek God's direction. At first, I felt sure that I would leave as there were a handful of concerns that kept weighing on me and Andrew.
Concern 1: Traveling 10-15 weeks a year is a LOT, and though many of my co-workers do it with their babies, I just didn't think that that was what God had in store for our family.
Concern 2: Travel to Tucson was usually about an 8-9 hour endeavor, plus a three hour time difference. Bringing an infant back and forth with that sort of travel and time difference wasn't exactly appealing. The thought of it generally made me want to cry (maybe that was the pregnancy hormones too...). I simply didn't want to do this. Transitions are going to be hard enough as it is.
Concern 3: Finances. Being in ministry as a missionary doesn't exactly pay a lot. I'm thankful that we even get paychecks, as many missionaries I know have to fundraise 100% of their income. We only have to fundraise a portion of ours. That being said, I was never super diligent about fundraising because the income we had was enough for the two of us (but we didn't really put away any savings). How in the world were we going to afford to a child? Or the extra expenses that come with?
Concern 4: Healthcare and insurance. Need I really say more? It's SO expensive.
Concern 5: I love PPM and what we do and what we stand for. However, as with any job, there are parts that just aren't as enjoyable as others. Unfortunately, a large chunk of my time was required on things that I truly didn't enjoy doing and in turn, made me question whether the good parts outweighed the not-so-fun seasons.

And here is how God answered each one of those concerns without me needing to voice them to the organization. This is how God confirmed and gave me peace about staying with this wonderful organization. I didn't even approach my supervisor about most of these concerns, though I was planning on it during a set of meetings that I was unable to attend.

Concerns 1 and 2 kind of go together. My travel requirement will still be pretty heavy- with leading between 8-10 trips a year and having to attend 3 sets of week-long meetings. This doesn't including time before or after trips that I use to sit and talk with Pastors, prepare for teams, and find new partners. However, with the bulk of my travel being to Miami, traveling wont be so difficult. Andrew should be able to come with me some of the time and it will be easier (and cheaper) to fly him down in between trips for when we need that time together, especially on my longer stretches away from home. I had not recently asked directly to be placed in Miami, but it was definitely a desire of mine to be there. Travel was a huge reason why, but also because I had fallen in love with our ministry partners there.
Concern 3: God has continued to show us week after week of my pregnancy that He is the ultimate provider. While I still have much fundraising to do, our finances are not the center of attention. Andrew has been blessed with a part-time job that allows him to work from home and pays well. He also has two contracted social media jobs that provide a little extra at the end of every month. Yes, I still need to do some fundraising, but overall, God has given me a peace about where we are and a knowledge that He will continue to provide for us.
Concern 4: This goes right into concern 3. Both Andrew and I turn 26 this year, therefore we must get our own health insurance (or pay a ridiculous fine for not having it). This, in itself, was a concern of ours at the beginning of the year. Then we got pregnant, thankfully my current insurance will continue to cover me until November 22nd and our baby for the first 30 days of his life. But what happens after that? We had to start figuring all of that out now. When I first started looking at the marketplace- I. was. terrified. $400/month for basic health insurance for two people, over $600 for three or more? We didn't qualify for medicaid or any government subsidies, so we were trying to figure out how in the world we were going to be able to pay for $600 extra a month for insurance as well as just the extra cost of having a newborn in the house. I became overwhelmed with stress and fear. Then the Lord said, once again, "I will take care of you." And He did. Long story short- we didn't realize some of the available options through our jobs for health insurance and after asking more questions about how everything works- we are excited to say that our insurance will be covered at 100%, minus co-pays and such. SUCH A BLESSING.
And finally, concern 5. One of the biggest seasons at Praying Pelican is recruiting teams. While I LOVE talking to people about Praying Pelican, being on the phone talking with people I don't know well can be pretty stressful for me. It wasn't exactly the season I looked forward to. Rather, I LOVE consulting with teams, which is talking to groups to plan their trips and prepare them for an awesome week of ministry in a location they are new to. I LOVE talking with Pastors and partners to prepare them for teams that are coming in to serve alongside them. I love building relationships with people who desire to serve. Without me asking, I was put on a consulting team that allows for more time spent making sure teams and pastors are prepared for their trip, and a little less time spent on the phone with people who are still deciding if they want to go on a trip with us or not. I wasn't necessarily silent about not loving the recruiting season, but I never directly asked to be moved elsewhere. But God knew the desires of my heart and has made a way for me.

God had an answer for every single concern that I had going into parenthood and figuring out the next steps for our growing family in conjunction with PPM.
The peace that Andrew and I have in our decision to stay with Praying Pelican came only from God. As I said earlier, I was almost sure that I wouldn't be continuing my full time position with PPM and had convinced myself that there was just no way we could do it, that it was not possible.

But God does the impossible.

Halfway there... almost.

"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit,"- JRR Tolkien. 

How true is that for pregnancy!

Dude. I am almost halfway through my pregnancy. WHERE DID THE TIME GO?! I feel like just last week we found out we were pregnant and now every time I look at my belly I'm reminded that I will be able to meet our sweet little Baby V in just over 20 weeks.

I've continued to lead mission trips while pregnant, and while I admit that my first trimester was much harder than my second, this second trimester has still had it's challenges. Getting sleep hasn't come easy, especially while on trips, but even when I'm home, it's hard to get comfortable. I have terrible leg cramps that wake me up suddenly and I wake up at least once a night to pee (sometimes two or three times), once I wake up, it is REALLY hard to go back to sleep. This is new for me. I can usually fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I've also been "diagnosed" with minor case of diastis recti- or the tearing of my abdominal muscles- which really hasn't caused too many issues yet, its just weird because I have another little extra bump at the top of my belly where the remaining abdominal muscles protrude out. It's just a little strange, but doesn't cause any pain. The hormonal effects have probably been the hardest part- pregnancy brain is a very real thing. Strange dreams? Yep, just about every night, (lizard baby??). Mood swings- absolutely, especially when I don't get enough sleep.

That being said- that's seriously been the worst of it. And if that's the worst of it, I can't complain at all. Like I said in my last post- I have been so blessed with a relatively easy pregnancy. I'm hoping and praying that as the pregnancy continues, so will my strength both physically and mentally. Plus, it's all so worth it. The fact that God has made it possible for a baby to grow inside of a woman! OH MY GOSH- it is seriously just so cool. I'm always amazed. Though I haven't consistently felt our baby move, I have felt a few flutters and strange feelings in my belly that can be attributed to baby movement. I'm hoping for more consistent movements to come in the next week or two. Speaking of the next few weeks, we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl on June 25th at our Gender Reveal party!! While of course we are just hoping for a happy, healthy baby, it is still exciting to find out the gender. So tune in, we may be able to hook up Periscope or a live stream for the big reveal- but we will at least share the video on Facebook that evening.

Halfway there- halfway finished. The hardest part is yet to come, and as I've started to mentally prepare for natural labor, as I've been reading articles, resources and talking with others, the more I've come to realize that 50% or more of the battle is all in our head. It's about the strength of your spirit, not only the strength of your body. Way to go Tolkien for once again revealing truth in your writing. There are so many ways to cope with the pain of labor, and I'm so thankful that our birthing center has those different avenues available to us. While I still have 20 weeks to learn about giving birth, raising a child, and caring for an infant, we only have 20 weeks to strength our spirit, will, and determination to have a natural labor. We only have 20 weeks until we get to meet our baby. Until Andrew and I get to raise a child together.

That's crazy to think about. Twenty. weeks.

But now, pickles and pizza.

My very first Mother's Day

So I'm a little late with this post, but what's new. It seems I've been late with a lot of things lately.

This Mother's Day was the first Mother's Day I was able to celebrate my mother AND being a mother. Its pretty incredible. Some may think I'm not a mother yet. But I disagree. My child has a beating heart, a functioning brain, and is by all accounts alive. My child is fully dependent on me and as this child's mom, I have the responsibility to nourish and care for this child the best way I can!

As I enter into my second trimester, my excitement is hardly containable- I AM A MOTHER! A HUMAN BABY IS GROWING MY BODY! The natural, beautiful, and ever challenging journey of pregnancy is experienced differently by everyone. Which is why I thought, hey, what the heck- this is my first child. Why not share my experiences. 

But first, I should probably start off by saying, yes, we were trying to have a child, our baby was planned. I praise the Lord every day for allowing us the ability to get pregnant. It is not something I ever want to take for granted. Many women do not get the opportunity to have a child. Some women struggle to have children. I'm not sure why God allowed us this great opportunity, but I'm so grateful. I think these two are thinking "What the heck is about to happen?." My guess is that they aren't quite as excited as we are.  

I have two goals in this pregnancy. First, grow a healthy a baby and second, try my best to remain positive and have a joyful attitude. I want to look back on my pregnancy and see joy and growth- spiritually, mentally and emotionally. While there are things about the pregnancy that can easily be seen as dreadful, inconvenient, or as though we are in bondage to this child, there is also a shift in perspective that can make those same things be seen as joyful reminders that God has given us a child to care for.
It is all about perspective.

Now, I'll be honest, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. My first weeks after becoming pregnant I was constantly nauseous, I felt like wearing a bra was torture, and I didn't want to eat ANYTHING but pickles and salt and vinegar chips. Andrew and I decided that we would cut out processed foods, artificial flavors and colors, as well as preservatives for the health of our baby. That being said, even foods that may have sounded good, were off limits. But I wasn't constantly sick or bedridden.
At about week 9, I started vomiting pretty much daily and my food aversions became even stronger than before. Food I once loved made me sick: foods like chips and salsa, Chipotle, Chickfila, and dark chocolate, just to name a few. From the beginning, I was always exhausted, took frequent naps, and slept in. I could hardly make it a full 4-5 hours without needing to relax and take a nap.
It really wasn't so bad. I've heard of women who had it much worse than I did. Now, it wasn't exactly pleasant, but it wasn't awful and after reading that "morning sickness" was a sign of a healthy pregnancy, I "welcomed" the nausea and decided not to see it as a "side effect" or inconvenience, but as the beautiful reminder that my body is growing a child. It was especially welcomed when I wasn't quite showing yet and didn't look pregnant. Sometimes, and I know this is weird, as I was running to the bathroom to throw up my dinner, I would smile and thank God for our baby. I promise it wasn't like an everyday thing, my smiling as I'm about to vomit, because let's be real, throwing up is one of the worst feelings in the world. Even still, I decided to change my perspective. Through prayer for this child and realizing that this child was a gift from God, my perspective actually shifted. It wasn't just something I said to myself to make me feel like pregnancy was worth the end result. Pregnancy isn't just a means to an end, it is a time that can and should be enjoyed!

I've also been so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends who have already started showering us with gifts.

One of the first gifts I received was this devotional from our friends Mel and Stephen. If you are pregnant, or have a friend who is- get them this devotional. It is perfect.

 Bethany, my best friend and the awesome photographer who took our announcement pictures got us these sweet gifts. Again, my friends know me so well. 

We have friends who have already begun praying for us, a necessity. I've been blessed with a wonderful husband who is so excited about our baby. He serves me so well and doesn't complain when I ask for back rubs, don't cook dinner, or do anything, really- he serves me and loves me so well. We have a supportive family who has supported our decision to not birth in a hospital, but a birthing center so we could have a water birth. They have supported us in our non-conventional birthing choices, even if they don't agree with it. Our birthing center, Baby+Co, has been absolutely fantastic to work with so far and their staff and midwives are so friendly and helpful.

So, to all of the moms, new moms, pregnant moms, spiritual moms, and hopeful moms- thank you. This world wouldn't be the same if you weren't around to sacrifice for your children. Our children are precious gifts from God and we should strive to continue to change our perspective to reflect that fact. I know this will not be an easy change, and I'll have to constantly seek God's mercy in my life in order to keep this joyful perspective.

As my pregnancy continues, I'll do my best to keep this updated, but I'm not making any promises!

Politically Correct: To Accept, or not to Accept.

Before reading the rest of this, please be sure to read my first post in this series. Reminder: These views do not reflect the views of PPM. They are my own. Also, feel free to engage in respectful conversation. Any hateful, or disrespectful comments will not be tolerated and will be deleted. Note- disagreement does not equal disrespect. 

This is not an easy conversation to have. Let me save you from disappointment before you get to the end of my post thinking I have some awesome plan of how to solve the refugee crisis- specifically the Syrian refugee crisis: I don't. I have ideas and concerns but I do not offer any solutions to the issue we have facing our country today. I have some radical views for the Church that many of us (including myself) probably don't want to hear. Let this be your warning. 

What is a refugee? A refugee is a person who has been forced to leave their country in order to escape war, persecution or natural disaster. A refugee, by definition, is NOT a terrorist. They are NOT, by definition, a Muslim, or Syrian, or part of ISIS. They are not, by definition, trying to come into our country and destroy it. A refugee has likely lost family, friends, possessions, jobs, and more in order to save their own lives.
Now that that is clear, we must stop blanketing "refugees" as evil human beings. They are not "refugees" they are refugees. While there may be someone posing as a refugee- that person is not a refugee. Let's not be confused. Call me politically correct, I call it truth and clarity. 

The reason I preface my piece with this is because I have seen so much fear-mongering going around trying to make people afraid of refugees by saying they are associated with terrorists and ISIS. My friends, this is simply not the case. We should not fear the refugees. We can proceed with caution, but not with fear. 

As I normally try to do, I read arguments from many sides of the spectrum. I try to get a picture of where people are coming from and determine if the statistics they are posting are only to push an agenda, or are actually fact. Did you know that numbers CAN lie (remember that 3% that PP claimed)? That pictures CAN lie (ever heard of photoshop)? Statistics CAN be misleading! (46% of statistics are made up on the spot). You can tell when agendas are being pushed as generally the truth will be stretched in order to make an argument fit. Or, the truth will be omitted altogether and the agenda will rely solely on the emotion of the people, without any regard to the facts of the situation. Things aren't always as black and white as we would like them to be. So to be incredibly dogmatic about situations that are unclear, to me, is a bit foolish. The fact is, over half of the refugees from Syria are women and children. However, there are also disturbing videos of adult males, who came in with refugees, brutally attacking innocent people in Germany. The fact is, that not a single refugee in the US has committed an act of terror to date. However, the possibility of ISIS sending attackers to pose as refugees is a legitimate concern. There is too much gray in this situation. The facts don't tell a clear story. 


I will say that I have seen more of my traditionally conservative Christian friends cross "party" lines with this refugee situation. I have seen many of my conservative friends continue to stay in their "party" line and present valid arguments with compassion. I have seen some of my conservative friends present arguments, some valid, some not, with hate and anger towards the refugees and anyone who disagrees with their stance, "If you want those refugees here, then YOU live next to them and watch your family die." 
I feel like I've heard it all. My friend, Andy, and I were up late the night after the Paris attacks and we talked about a million different takes on the situation with the refugees. I'm now seeing some of our thoughts be fleshed out by other writers who beat me to writing it- which is probably better because they did a heck of a better job that I ever could. I have included the links of some of those at the end of this post. 
Notice- I didn't say much about my liberal friends. The reason is because I haven't seen many of them posting about this crisis. I have a few friends that have, and they have been in favor of taking in refugees, but the majority of them have been silent and to be honest- I'm not sure why. Anyone have any thoughts?

Here are some perspectives I've seen and my thoughts on those perspectives.

Perspective 1) "Say NO to ALL REFUGEES. We don't want those terrorists here."

Thoughts 1) No. See above.

Perspective 2) "Send aid to them, but do not let them in our borders. It is too risky."
Thoughts 2) I feel like this is definitely more compassionate and shows that at least we realize that these refugees have value and potential and are not barbaric human beings who deserve to die. However, I think keeping these refugees in huge camps runs some risks in and of itself. First, it creates an easier target for ISIS. Those camps have no real protection. There are thousands of innocents in tents with no where to run. What could be easier? These refugees are running from the jihad. If they wanted to join, they could've stayed in Syria. Therefore, because they did not join, they are enemies of ISIS. ISIS wants the refugees dead. Second, we run the risk of a higher death toll among these refugees as food, water and other supplies are limited- diseases spread quicker too. I think that sending aid is better than nothing. But it is not a solution- it is a band-aid. And maybe that is what needs to be done until we can figure out a better way. I'm not opposed to this idea as a political stance. However, as a Christian, I feel as though the Church needs to figure out how to do more. (See below).

Perspective 3) "Take them in, as many as we possibly can. End of discussion."
Thoughts 3) I think this is too naive. There must be additional vetting and security going into the process of allowing refugees. I explain more in the following thought. 


Perspective 4) "Take them in, as many as we financially can. However, we must increase our security and extend their vetting process." 

Thoughts 4) I think this is more where I stand for a few reasons. However, I don't want to be naive to the idea that there could be just a few terrorists hiding in the refugees. We know that it only took a few terrorists to commit heinous attacks against the US, Paris and other places killing thousands. And while I don't believe the American people have more value than the Syrian refugees- the American government does have a responsibility to protect the American people. If the government has any job- it is to protect Americans. It is most definitely a risk, but I don't think it is as big of a risk as many are making it out to be. Looking at the facts, there has not been a single terrorist attack from a refugee in the US in decades. The Boston Bombers weren't refugees, nor was the Fort Hood shooter (he was born in the US). Check out these links: Niskanen Center, The Hill, Snopes. Financially, I don't know if the US could handle as many as Obama is wanting to take, but again, this is where the Church needs to stand up. It shouldn't be the government's job to provide everything these refugees need. However, the cost of properly vetting and keeping close security on Syrian refugees could result in a significant bill even for a small number. 
Now, one of the epiphany's that my friend and I had was that if they are coming HERE- the church has a greater opportunity to share Jesus with them and help give these refugees a renewed purpose in Jesus. If the Church doesn't do it- ISIS can. Honestly, I think that is what is happening now already with other refugees and teens today- the church isn't standing up and loving people the way Jesus would love them and these people just want to find a purpose in life. This is when ISIS finds them, preys on them, and then gives them purpose- to kill America. 
I've heard people say things like- "You can't convert these people, they are too extreme." My reply would be that they are correct- I cannot convert these people. I have never converted a person in my life. Nor, will I. God converts them. He simply uses me to do it. Secondly, I would say look at Paul and read Acts. He was an extreme terrorist, brutally killing any Christian he found. God converted Him and he spent the rest of his life preaching the Gospel to the nations. Trust that our God still saves.

End current perspectives/thoughts. 

And here is where I get frustrated and I begin to think to myself how can we claim to be a Christian nation when we turn our backs to those in need. While I love that our laws were built on Christian morality- I.E. the 10 commandments and the Universal law that God has placed in the hearts of all humans alive- we are not a Christian nation. As a woman just trying to understand both sides, I see a lot of the hypocrisy from both conservative and liberals. Conservatives want to bring God back to America by legislating morality. They often say things like "the Bible doesn't approve of this behavior, therefore, it should not be legal." However, when it comes to helping our own poor- or in this case, the WORLD's poor, we don't want to include that into our system of laws because it is "socialism" and advocates for people to become dependent on the government. I'm going to say that I agree. As a libertarian, I don't want the government telling me exactly how I need to spend 23% of my pay check. However, I do not claim that this is God's country nor that America is His chosen people OR that America is a "Christian" nation. No, the Church's job is to take care of the poor, the widows and the orphans. If we are a Christian nation then we wouldn't even NEED the government to do those things for us because the Church would already have it taken care of. If we want God's commands to be in law, then our tax dollars would be going to help the poor, the single mom, or the orphan and there shouldn't be any complaining. As for liberals, they want to help millions of refugees and inmates and yet refuse to help the most innocent and vulnerable human, a child in the womb. I'll expound on that in another post.  

And so I bring this back to the issue at hand- Syrian Refugees. If we are a Christian nation, as many of my friends believe, then we have a duty to be the good Samaritan and trust that God will work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8). If we are a Christian nation, then we must be willing to risk our own lives, in order to share the Gospel.
I've heard the analogy used of letting someone in your door you don't know, who could be very nice, or could be a murderer- as a comparison to the refugee crisis. I get it. It makes sense. This is a valid point.
You want to protect yourself and your family. That is noble, and I believe that it is right. But so is helping those in need. It is here where we must ask God for direction. There isn't a clear answer here. 

Think of Abraham. He was willing to sacrifice his own son because God commanded. Yet, because of his obedience, God spared Isaac and Abraham from that ending. I don't have kids, but I do love my family. I would die for them and hunt down anyone who hurts them. But on the flip side, if my family were refugees, I would hope that someone would be willing to take them in, despite knowing certain risks. To me, that would show faith in God. 

God calls us to use wisdom, but the number one commandment is to love God, and love others. If loving others might put us at risk- that is a risk we must be willing to take as believers. If we are not willing to die for the Gospel, we are not following Jesus with our whole heart (I'm not saying that I always am). This is why we are not a Christian nation. And this is also why I am okay with that. Because there are millions of non-Christians in our nation and I do not know that I am willing to put THOSE people are risk. They don't know Jesus. So if those people are put at risk and they die, they won't meet Jesus. But if we were a Christian nation, then we should not fear death and putting ourselves at risk would be a joy if it brought glory to Jesus. As we die- we meet our Savior. I have no fear in death (most of the time). Christians should not fear death so much so that they are willing to let others die because they are afraid that one in 10,000 might be harmful.
Trusting God in this situation is hard. It is a tough pill to swallow. This isn't black and white. We are talking about people, human beings, who are trying to find a safe place to lay their head at night. We are talking about human beings who simply want to rest easy at night knowing that their neighbors aren't conspiring to kill them. We are talking about Americans, Syrians, terrorists, and refugees. And as a political strategy- I honestly offer no fool-proof solution. As a Christian, I suggest that we step up, love each other, love the poor in our own neighborhood, take care of our orphans and start looking out in the world and taking care of the refugees.

You may think, "how can I help the refugees without going into a war zone." Well, check out this awesome opportunity with Praying Pelican Missions here, you can support missionaries who are helping- like the ones here (Ryan and Gina Hale are our missionaries in Sicily, Italy helping with the crisis there), or send money directly to Refugee agencies (there are a list of different agencies and explanations of how they help). You can put together care packages to send to refugees and send them to PPM's missionary for them to use in their own community (ask me how!). And you can start looking at a refugee community near you and begin loving on them.

They need to know that American's aren't against them. They need to know that they are welcomed and loved and valued. Did you know "that less than 10% of refugees who come to the US will be befriended by an American, much less a follower of Jesus?" (TRM).
Maybe we shouldn't take in any refugees as a nation because of the risk of national security. But we, as a Church, must be willing to do something to help if our government isn't going to.

Here are some articles that I found helpful:
6 Reasons to Accept refugees after Paris. 
9 Reasons Christians should welcome refugees.
Not all Muslims are bad. Video.
Refugees in Germany. 20 minute video (Warning: contains graphic violence and language)
To Conservatives and Liberals. Huffington Post
Pictures of Refugee Children