Let me not be like the Israelites.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is Good. His Love Endures forever.”

That is what comes to mind when I think about my Spring trips. God’s goodness, his provision, His constant, unfailing love and mercy.

Humbled, amazed, broken, and yet full.

I've had this blog written for a couple weeks now, but it just doesn't do justice to what my heart has experienced. I kept trying to write, rewrite, and then rewrite again. This is the outcome. Again, there are few words that can adequately describe what the Lord has done in me, what He has taught me. 

I traveled to the desert dry, empty. And it was the desert, despite the death and hopelessness that it often represents, that brought me streams of flowing mercy, a cup that overflows. In the desert, I was like the Israelites. I saw God do amazing things, but then continued to doubt him and turn to other pleasures, turn to other idols to fulfill my needs. I sounded like the Israelites as depicted in Jeremiah 2: 5-6, 11 & 13:

"[The Israelites] did not say, 'Where is the Lord who brought us up from the land of Egypt, who led us in the wilderness in a land of deserts and pits in a land of drought and deep darkness, in a land that none passes through, where no man dwells...' [Instead,] "My people have changed their glory for that which does not profit... my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the Fountain of Living Waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water."

And I wonder why I arrived dry...

But the moment I arrived, the Lord began to remake me. He started to fix my cistern to be able to hold the Fountain of Living Waters. 

The desert, too, was living. It was not dry. It was not empty. Though this is seasonal (for the desert), it was also spiritual (for me). God used the desert to say to me, "Look what I can make out of the driest of places. Do you not trust me to make you full again? Do you see the beauty? Do you not believe that I can make you whole again?"

If you're wondering what I might have been struggling with, why I had not been feeling "whole" read my last post "To Be Honest... where I explain about how I am still healing from the depression I spent the last year/year and a half in. 

I often forget how quenching the fount is.

I never want to forget again.
Lord help me to not be like the Israelites.

While I want to recount every detail of my two and a half weeks in Tucson, every ministry that we worked in, every significant conversation, I feel that there is a better time and place for that. Instead, I’ll cut some of it out and share with you some highlights. If you want to hear more about the details I would LOVE to tell you in person, over skype, or on the phone.

My first week, with Spring Arbor University, was full of incredible ministry. One of the ministry days, we worked with Church on the Street and went to downtown Tucson. We passed out granola bars, water bottles and flyers about the Tucson Homeless Connect and Church on the Street and just talked with some of the homeless there. What was so powerful to me was seeing the disciples from Church on the Street love on and give hope to those still on the street. The disciples boldly prayed for those on the street and were unashamed to tell about their love for Jesus. My heart was filled with joy as I watched God transform lives. All I could think of was Paul. As we were being cursed, slandered, and insulted by some- all I could think about was Saul becoming Paul. If God can change a murderer who hated Jesus, why should I lose hope for those slandering Him on the street. God was working in my heart, and in the hearts of those we were serving. He was remaking me. 

Pastora Diana and I taking a selfie in front of the team and the disciples from Church on the Street

As God continued to remake me and remind me of His power, He pushed me to be in constant prayer. I was so encouraged by the Lord’s provision- especially the second week when everything seemed to be going haywire. My second week was insanely crazy- from the hotel not having the 24 rooms that I booked for 55 MIDDLE SCHOOLERS, to having an almost complete staff change mid-way through the trip, to, well, just having 55 twelve and thirteen year olds. It was a crazy week and I spent every night crying out to God for strength, wisdom, provision, peace, discernment. And every night God would provide for me exactly what I needed for the next day. He provided ministry opportunities, He provided staff for me, He provided the strength, wisdom and clarity of mind I needed to complete the task in front of me. He provided EVERYTHING I needed and more. No, the trip did not go perfectly. There were many hiccups beyond our control and many hiccups that were within our control. AND YET, at the end of the week when I was talking with the group leader he said, (paraphasing)”Yes, there were things that need to be improved for next year, but yes, we will be back next year. The kid’s got a lot out of the trip.” A couple of their students accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior, a couple went back with renewed perspective. If even just one life was changed for the Gospel, I count the trip successful.

God did a work on my heart for those two weeks. But he wasn’t done with me once those teams left. No, Pastora Diana took me to Mexico with her (along with my co-worker, Andrew Smith).

This is where I was fully renewed, and broken, and filled again.

This is where my heart remains.

This is where I knew I'd never be the same again.

I was talking with my best friend about this a couple days ago and she worded it perfectly- “I’ve been to a lot of places before, but only two have ever really felt like home.” Mexico feels like home.

As I write this, my eyes are filling up with tears. Tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, tears of yearning to be back. Tears for those families and children living in a LITERAL dump, tears for the house parents who can’t find a CHURCH to support their orphanage which holds about 30 kids.

God brought me there to renew my passion for Mexico. It was a spontaneous trip and not a planned trip by Praying Pelican. I was having coffee with Pastora Diana of Church of the Street and shared with her my love for Mexico and how I so desperately wanted to go back. She said, “When do you want to go.” So, early one Saturday morning we set out for a day trip to Mexico- a trip that forever changed me.

I pray each day for another opportunity to go back.

I pray each day that God would direct me in ways to continue to help the orphanages.

I pray each day that God would bring teams through Praying Pelican to partner with these orphanages, with Church on the Street and with other ministries going on in Mexico.

If you, your church, your family, anyone wants to go on a mission trip to Tucson, Mexico, Haiti, or any of our other locations give me a call or visit our website to read about our other locations. 

Come willing to be changed by God and to see the world changed by God. Come, expecting to see amazing things happen and pray that as you return home, you will not become like the Israelites.

My prayer every day is to not be like the Israelites.

My prayer is to be like Jeremiah, like Moses, like Ruth, but mostly, my prayer is to be more like Jesus.

To Be Honest...

Being in ministry is hard. Being married is hard. Being married while in ministry is hard.

And dealing with the lasting side effects of birth control only make it harder.

I want to share my story for a variety of reasons, to help raise awareness of the side effects of birth control, to explain a little bit about myself, but mostly to ask for continued prayer and support.

I got married to an amazing, loving man August 25, 2012. By October 2012 I was crying myself to sleep almost every night, I didn't want to be around people, I was always tired. I had little to no libido. By January 2013, I was moody, angry, and had lost almost all of my joy and love of life. When I started school back up I was thinking slower, unable to understand simple concepts and I was really struggling with doing well in school, even when I was trying. Rather than trying harder, I got frustrated with myself and stopped being as attentive or disciplined and became quite apathetic about school. I hated my life. I wanted to get out of it- life- I was having suicidal thoughts and was too ashamed to tell anyone because I didn't know what was wrong. And albeit, if everything else was messed up I was still independent and strong willed.

Less than 6 months prior I was joyful, I loved life, I got excited about things and I LOVED being around people. I was self-disciplined, I loved learning, school and enjoyed doing my schoolwork. Mostly, I LOVED my fiance, I LOVED thinking about my future with him. I thought maybe it was just the pressure of marriage and learning how to be a wife. So I tried to just deal with it, get used to it, tried to be a better wife by doing the traditional wifely duties. I tried to make myself feel better by doing what was supposed to be done without changing my heart. I just kept telling myself that it would eventually get better.

Fast forward another 7 months- July 2013. It hadn't gotten better and I had just gotten back from a 5 week stint in Belize away from my husband. While I was away I missed him, but when I got home I didn't want anything to do with him. Finally, Andrew called me out.

For 11 months Andrew was trying to be supportive, trying to figure out what was wrong. He started to back away when I stopped wanting anything to do with him. Maybe it was a phase?

Andrew was patient with me. But after not having been with him for 5 weeks and I came home depressed, he asked me if I still loved him. He said sometimes I acted like I wanted to be with him, but other times I acted like I hated him. He was tired of walking on glass and trying to figure out which woman he would come home to each day.

I remember this day vividly. After he confronted me I didn’t try to defend myself. I was broken, ashamed, hurt. I just nodded my head and immediately started crying. I said, “I know, I know. I’m so sorry” over and over again. I couldn’t take the confrontation anymore and I just ran into the bathroom. I started a bath and just wept. I cried out to God- the first time I had truly asked for his help with all of this since it began. I sat with tears streaming down my face for an hour, before God revealed something to me. *My birth control pills.* I hadn’t given much thought about the side effects of birth control being emotional ones. Before we got married we had discussed our options for birth control. We both had concerns about me being on the pill, but they were mostly physical side effects: I figured I might have more pimples or gain a little weight, but I didn’t think it would affect me emotionally. We didn’t want to have a baby yet and this was the most reliable way to keep that from happening.

Back to the story- so I get out and find my newest prescription of birth control pills and read every single word of the prescription information- warnings, side-effects, instructions, etc. Eventually I read that Orsynthia had “a rare but serious side effect [which] might include depression or other behavioral changes.” I dried myself off, stunned. It was an easy fix, but one I wasn’t ready to make yet. I didn’t want to risk having a child at this point in our life. So, instead of stopping the birth control, I researched the cause of depression caused by birth control. I found that it causes an imbalance in your B vitamins- specifically B-12, you’re mood-regulating vitamins. I talked to Andrew and we both agreed to start me on a high dose of B-12 vitamins. I was taking 10 times my recommended daily value of vitamin B12 every single day, and it worked! I started being myself again. I started smiling, laughing- I mean REALLY laughing. I cared about people, about school. Life was better- I figured as time went on it would continue to get better.

But as time went on I forgot to take my vitamins. I felt so good that I didn’t think I would need them. I was wrong. When I didn’t take my vitamins I would slowly begin to decline in my mental health. I would start to become sad and depressed again. At that point I would remember to take my vitamins. I went on a roller coaster journey just like that for another 5 months. High-low-high low-high-low. I was just glad that there was an actual HIGH for me to attain. I had forgotten what it was like to truly enjoy life.

January of 2014 I sat crying in bed. I turned to Andrew and just said “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take these pills. I’m not myself, I hate the way they make me feel.” He turned to me, kissed me and said “Ok, don’t take them anymore. We will figure out another way.”  And I stopped the pills. I continued to take my vitamins until the very expensive supply ran out and we didn’t purchase them again. I continued to take my multi-vitamins and anything that said it was rich in B-12. Slowly but surely I was maintaining a joyful life. Of course there were still struggles, stresses and downfalls, but I stopped hating my life. I started reading my Bible again and drew closer to Jesus. Life was good. I loved being with Andrew again.  When people would say, “Oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase” after hearing how long we had been married, I would reply, “We like to think we just started the phase” because our first year of marriage was filled with bickering, arguments, bitterness, etc. We started laughing together, dreaming together, loving life together.

All the while, I was at a Christian school, working for a Christian ministry. Some of you reading this might think, “I don’t remember you like that” but let me tell you- I was a really good liar. I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling. I smiled when I was supposed to, I laughed when appropriate- but I got out of those situations as much as possible. And I was broken- so incredibly broken- on the inside.

It’s been a year since I’ve been off of the birth control. A whole year! And at times I still feel myself being pulled down into a depression. I still find myself wanting to recluse and not tell anyone about what’s going on in my life. I find myself pulling away from God and away from my husband. I am still incredibly sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am still struggling with learning new concepts quickly and efficiently. I still struggle with mental quickness. But God is doing a work in me. I am healing. I’m so ashamed of ever having taken the birth control pills. I pray that soon the side effects will go away, but I praise God that he pulled me out of the perpetual hopelessness I felt during that year. I praise God for continuing to heal me. I praise God for the opportunity to be in ministry and serve people.  

But I tell you, it’s not easy being in ministry, and it’s not easy being in ministry when I often struggle with the onset of minor depression. But I know that God has put me here for a reason. I am confident that He is going to use me for His glory despite my struggles because that’s what He does. He uses everything for the good of those who love Him. He has assured me that He will finish the good work that He has started. God is good. God is faithful. God makes the impossible- possible.

I want to ask for your prayers- that God would continue to heal me and my marriage. Prayers as I minister to others. And prayers that I would be able to do the work He has called me to do.

To conclude, I’m not telling anyone that birth control pills are evil. However, I am saying that birth control pills should be thoroughly researched before being taken. Women should weigh the pro’s and con’s of taking such a pill. It has become the norm for both young girls and grown women to take birth control without question- I just ask that you ask questions and make sure that you are making the best choice for yourself and your husband.

Thirsty Tucson

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east, from the west, from the north and from the south.”

“Some wandered in the desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them.” Psalm 107:1-5

Going on a mission trip in the desert is not an easy thing to do, especially in Tucson, Arizona- a beautiful but thirsty city. It is thirsty both physically and spiritually and the climate of Tucson is somewhat reflective of the spiritual condition of the people there: dry, lifeless, thirsty. They need Jesus. Being #12 on the top post-Christian cities in the United States and 5th poorest city, Tucson is starving for substance, thirsty for Truth.

While reading Psalm 107, I couldn’t help but think of the spiritual desert in Tucson, where “their soul(s) faint(s) within them” and they wander looking for hope. But there is hope. The verses before and directly after tell us so. The chapter begins with the reminder that the Lord is good and His love endures forever, then the Psalmist tells us that some wandered in the desert. “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” How beautiful is the redeeming power of the Lord? How good is He?! 

Praying Pelican Missions is involved with a variety of ministries in Tucson, including a foster community, homeless ministries, Gospel Rescue Mission, Native American ministries and the list keeps growing. Partners like Pastor Diana at Church on the Street, or Rick at GAP ministries work hard to help the people in a spiritual desert by sharing the goodness of the Lord with them. Our partners pray hard that one day those in the desert will cry out to the Lord and that He will deliver them. That one day, those wandering in the desert will drink from the overflowing cup to never thirst again and see the goodness of our Lord.

Will you join them in praying for the people in the desert? Will you partner with us to help reach as many people as possible and share the love of Jesus with them? We need people like you to go to the desert to come alongside our partners, to minister and to pray for the Lord do mighty things. Come experience the desert like never before.

“He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. And there he lets the hungry dwell, and they establish a city to live in;  they sow fields and plant vineyards and get a fruitful yield. By his blessing they multiply greatly, and he does not let their livestock diminish.” -Psalm 107:35-38

The first page of an unlikely Love Story...

Photo Cred

Knowing that God is doing an incredible work in Tucson brings me unending joy.

Once upon a time in an old old town, I fell in love. The month was April- the year- 2014. When I fell in love, I fell fast. I fell hard, I fell and I didn't even realize I was falling. But what I did realize was that I will never, ever, be able to look at the city of Tucson the same again. When I visited that city two months later- my love only grew deeper.

I went to Tucson June 6-July 1 and July 16-August 2 to lead 5, week-long mission trips and serve with some amazing people. I knew God was doing a work in Tucson- I could feel it when I went down in April, but I got to experience it during my last journey. My first week there I had three churches, one from Minnesota, Kentucky, and Florida. They did some construction, service projects, and sports ministry/evangelism. Every night we went down to a park in San Manuel and played basketball with a bunch of local teens. Side note- San Manuel has a large problem with teen drug use. As a matter of fact, the first night we arrived at the basketball court we saw some kids that were already high on drugs. We talked and played some basketball with the kids and guess what- we didn't tell them how to live their life or that they should stop smoking pot. Instead, we listened to them share their plans for their life, their hopes, their dreams. We talked with them about our life, and how Jesus changed us- we encouraged them, we prayed for them and we gave them New Testament Bibles. And ya know what? They didn't ignore us, they begged us to back. They didn't just throw the Bibles away, I saw many of them actually open them up and start reading, even when they thought we weren't looking. They felt important, valuable and heard. It was awesome. And that was just the first week.

The second week I got to be part of a group from Georgia that re-tiled a home for house-parents who take care of 10 foster kids. The group worked hard, long, 10 hour (or more) days to complete the project And God showed up in an incredible way. The day of the project, the group began repairing a part of the foundation with concrete, after coming back from lunch and noticing the concrete was still a little wet, they decided to write a bible verse on it- which would later be covered by tiles. In the concrete they wrote, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." A beautiful verse for a family who has sacrificed so much to help out these foster children. However, shortly after they finished writing that, and just shortly before they began the last few tiles, the house parent came in and saw the verse and immediately began crying. This was the first time the group had actually met the house parent, so they weren't sure exactly what to think or do- then the mom explained that her mentor had been praying for their foundation to be fixed and had specifically been praying that verse over their foundation. God- in his greatness- answered her prayer using that verse and allowed the mom to see it before it was covered with tile, never to be seen again. Isn't it amazing?

God is so good.

His goodness is more than I will ever be able to comprehend.

The beginning of the Summer marked the beginning of a cherished and incomplete love story. One that continues to deepen and strengthen the more I see. hear. touch. and know about the Old Pueblo.

            There's more to my journey this Summer- stay tuned for the epic Summer finale... 

Big Changes

Big Changes are coming. And they are coming FAST.

Last Friday, May 16th, 2014, I graduated from The College at Southeastern with a degree in English and Christian Studies. On Monday, I started a new full-time job with Praying Pelican Missions. Sometime this week I will be closing on a home and moving.

So much change. So many things that could go wrong. So many things already have gone "wrong". But ya know what? God is still in control. He has constantly reminded me of that through the past few weeks. God, the Almighty, is in control. Sure, things may not turn out exactly the way I thought they would or should. For example, I was really working hard to make all A's and B's this semester, but I didn't. We were hoping to close on our house at the beginning of May, but it is now nearing the end and we still haven't closed on the house. I just started my new job, which I was hoping to start in my new house with an office, completely organized and ready to go. I started yesterday with my office either on my couch or outside (the only two places I have cell service). I started without being able to be fully "in control" of my surroundings and be entirely organized.

But God is fully in-control. He knows whats going on. He knows what I need. I just need to work to the glory of God no matter my surroundings. No matter whether or not I have closed on our house yet. No matter if I get all A's and B's. I need to make sure that my first focus is glorifying God. Which leads me to my main point...

I think too often, that my focus changes from glorifying God to wanting to glorify myself. I wanted great grades so I could show off my intelligence. I wanted to close on the house earlier because I wanted to show off my house. You get my drift. But God took that from me. And I can't thank Him enough for it. I MUST remember that God is in control of my life, not me. He gets the glory for everything, not me. I am merely a vessel for Him to use. This morning I was reading in 1 John and I was reminded that I can not love the things of the world, "For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life-- is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever." (1 John 2:16-17).

Without obedience to God, my life is worth nothing and will die away with this world. With obedience, I will abide with God forever.

Being in control, wanting my life to mean something because of what I do... Those are my sins that I have to bring to Jesus on a daily basis. Those are my sins that I struggle with. I need Jesus to remind me that I am NOT in control, but that He is. I need Jesus to remind me that I am His and He is mine and my life MUST reflect that in my obedience to Him for His sake, not mine.

A Glimpse of my New World!

As many of you already know, working in missions has been my dream since I was a little girl. I have always wanted to be involved in sharing the gospel here and internationally, as well as meet the immediate needs of those around me. I attribute this to the talents and personality that God has given me. I can take no credit.

In 2009 during a trip to Mexico I fell in love. I fell in love with what God did. I fell in love with the opportunity to be a part of it. I fell in love with the people, the culture, the language, the community. I fell in love with the vision of Praying Pelican Missions.

For the past three years, I have served part-time on staff with PPM during the summers. I have served all over Belize and in parts of Mexico. Each time I went, my desire to be there grew.

Which leads me here. In January 2014, PPM graciously offered me a position as a Missions Coordinator. This position starts for me May 19th, the Monday after I graduate. God is good.
Now, I do have some responsibilities prior to my start date including fundraising, conferences and training in leading trips. I ask that you pray for me as I enter this joyous journey!

 Some of you might be wondering who in the world PPM is...
     Let me tell you a little bit who they are and what I will be doing.

Praying Pelican Missions is an organization called to further the Kingdom of God by providing international short-term mission trips for churches, small groups, families, and individuals throughout North America. By building partnerships between churches and communities we are able to effectively serve churches, pastors, and communities throughout Belize, Jamaica, Haiti, Mexico, Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, Guatemala, the Dominican Republic, South Africa, and the United States.

My main goal as a Missions Coordinator is to create long-term partnerships between churches in North America and churches in the countries where PPM serves.

In order to make that happen, I am involved in 4 main areas:

1. Team Recruiting: Much of my position as MC is recruiting people to partner with PPM. I get to speak with churches, schools, and other mission-minded people to help determine what type of missions trip they are interested in and then begin planning those trips.

2. Trip Setup: Once I know which groups want to serve, I can begin setting up their trip. We work directly with local churches in each community and match up serving groups to fulfill the specific needs of our partnering pastors.

3. Trip Leading: On average I will lead 8-10 one-week trips a year. This summer, my focus is Tucson, AZ where I will be for about 7 weeks this year. Each trip is personalized and can look very different depending on the community, type of ministries we are involved in, and the participating team.

4. Last, but not least, I will be involved in fundraising, as a portion of my income is dependent upon it. As of right now, my goal is to raise about $1000 a month in order to meet our monthly budget. I know we are all at a different place financially, but I ask that you prayerfully consider partnering with me on this journey. If you would like to support me, please click here and scroll down to my name.You have the option of a monthly support payment or a one time support payment. All support is tax-deductible!

If you would like to receive more information about PPM, what I am doing, or how you can help, please email me at deanna@prayingpelicanmissions.org!

A Fierce Irony

Fierce.

marked by unrestrained zeal or vehemence.

Irony.

 a situation that is strange or funny because things happen in a way that seems to be the opposite of what you expected. 

Click here for more definitions.

Romans 6:23a.

"For the wages of sin is death."

I am

sinful

I have lied, stolen, cheated, gossiped, had idols. 

                 I have been impatient & downright rude. 

                             I have dishonored my parents, thought unkind thoughts.

I deserve death. Eternal death. 

But.

(and this is a REALLY big one)

Romans 6:23b

"the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ"

But through Jesus Christ I have life.

I get grace, mercy, unconditional love.

I have hope, forgiveness, redemption. 

I have joy, peace.

I have victory over death. 

^"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39

Through Christ
I get nothing I deserve & everything I don't.

 

Stop. Read the entire chapter of Romans 8. Now.

& that my dear friends, is what I like to call a fierce irony.