Being in ministry is hard. Being married is hard. Being married while in ministry is hard.
And dealing with the lasting side effects of birth control only make it harder.
I want to share my story for a variety of reasons, to help raise awareness of the side effects of birth control, to explain a little bit about myself, but mostly to ask for continued prayer and support.
I got married to an amazing, loving man August 25, 2012. By October 2012 I was crying myself to sleep almost every night, I didn't want to be around people, I was always tired. I had little to no libido. By January 2013, I was moody, angry, and had lost almost all of my joy and love of life. When I started school back up I was thinking slower, unable to understand simple concepts and I was really struggling with doing well in school, even when I was trying. Rather than trying harder, I got frustrated with myself and stopped being as attentive or disciplined and became quite apathetic about school. I hated my life. I wanted to get out of it- life- I was having suicidal thoughts and was too ashamed to tell anyone because I didn't know what was wrong. And albeit, if everything else was messed up I was still independent and strong willed.
Less than 6 months prior I was joyful, I loved life, I got excited about things and I LOVED being around people. I was self-disciplined, I loved learning, school and enjoyed doing my schoolwork. Mostly, I LOVED my fiance, I LOVED thinking about my future with him. I thought maybe it was just the pressure of marriage and learning how to be a wife. So I tried to just deal with it, get used to it, tried to be a better wife by doing the traditional wifely duties. I tried to make myself feel better by doing what was supposed to be done without changing my heart. I just kept telling myself that it would eventually get better.
Fast forward another 7 months- July 2013. It hadn't gotten better and I had just gotten back from a 5 week stint in Belize away from my husband. While I was away I missed him, but when I got home I didn't want anything to do with him. Finally, Andrew called me out.
For 11 months Andrew was trying to be supportive, trying to figure out what was wrong. He started to back away when I stopped wanting anything to do with him. Maybe it was a phase?
Andrew was patient with me. But after not having been with him for 5 weeks and I came home depressed, he asked me if I still loved him. He said sometimes I acted like I wanted to be with him, but other times I acted like I hated him. He was tired of walking on glass and trying to figure out which woman he would come home to each day.
I remember this day vividly. After he confronted me I didn’t try to defend myself. I was broken, ashamed, hurt. I just nodded my head and immediately started crying. I said, “I know, I know. I’m so sorry” over and over again. I couldn’t take the confrontation anymore and I just ran into the bathroom. I started a bath and just wept. I cried out to God- the first time I had truly asked for his help with all of this since it began. I sat with tears streaming down my face for an hour, before God revealed something to me. *My birth control pills.* I hadn’t given much thought about the side effects of birth control being emotional ones. Before we got married we had discussed our options for birth control. We both had concerns about me being on the pill, but they were mostly physical side effects: I figured I might have more pimples or gain a little weight, but I didn’t think it would affect me emotionally. We didn’t want to have a baby yet and this was the most reliable way to keep that from happening.
Back to the story- so I get out and find my newest prescription of birth control pills and read every single word of the prescription information- warnings, side-effects, instructions, etc. Eventually I read that Orsynthia had “a rare but serious side effect [which] might include depression or other behavioral changes.” I dried myself off, stunned. It was an easy fix, but one I wasn’t ready to make yet. I didn’t want to risk having a child at this point in our life. So, instead of stopping the birth control, I researched the cause of depression caused by birth control. I found that it causes an imbalance in your B vitamins- specifically B-12, you’re mood-regulating vitamins. I talked to Andrew and we both agreed to start me on a high dose of B-12 vitamins. I was taking 10 times my recommended daily value of vitamin B12 every single day, and it worked! I started being myself again. I started smiling, laughing- I mean REALLY laughing. I cared about people, about school. Life was better- I figured as time went on it would continue to get better.
But as time went on I forgot to take my vitamins. I felt so good that I didn’t think I would need them. I was wrong. When I didn’t take my vitamins I would slowly begin to decline in my mental health. I would start to become sad and depressed again. At that point I would remember to take my vitamins. I went on a roller coaster journey just like that for another 5 months. High-low-high low-high-low. I was just glad that there was an actual HIGH for me to attain. I had forgotten what it was like to truly enjoy life.
January of 2014 I sat crying in bed. I turned to Andrew and just said “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take these pills. I’m not myself, I hate the way they make me feel.” He turned to me, kissed me and said “Ok, don’t take them anymore. We will figure out another way.” And I stopped the pills. I continued to take my vitamins until the very expensive supply ran out and we didn’t purchase them again. I continued to take my multi-vitamins and anything that said it was rich in B-12. Slowly but surely I was maintaining a joyful life. Of course there were still struggles, stresses and downfalls, but I stopped hating my life. I started reading my Bible again and drew closer to Jesus. Life was good. I loved being with Andrew again. When people would say, “Oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase” after hearing how long we had been married, I would reply, “We like to think we just started the phase” because our first year of marriage was filled with bickering, arguments, bitterness, etc. We started laughing together, dreaming together, loving life together.
All the while, I was at a Christian school, working for a Christian ministry. Some of you reading this might think, “I don’t remember you like that” but let me tell you- I was a really good liar. I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling. I smiled when I was supposed to, I laughed when appropriate- but I got out of those situations as much as possible. And I was broken- so incredibly broken- on the inside.
It’s been a year since I’ve been off of the birth control. A whole year! And at times I still feel myself being pulled down into a depression. I still find myself wanting to recluse and not tell anyone about what’s going on in my life. I find myself pulling away from God and away from my husband. I am still incredibly sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am still struggling with learning new concepts quickly and efficiently. I still struggle with mental quickness. But God is doing a work in me. I am healing. I’m so ashamed of ever having taken the birth control pills. I pray that soon the side effects will go away, but I praise God that he pulled me out of the perpetual hopelessness I felt during that year. I praise God for continuing to heal me. I praise God for the opportunity to be in ministry and serve people.
But I tell you, it’s not easy being in ministry, and it’s not easy being in ministry when I often struggle with the onset of minor depression. But I know that God has put me here for a reason. I am confident that He is going to use me for His glory despite my struggles because that’s what He does. He uses everything for the good of those who love Him. He has assured me that He will finish the good work that He has started. God is good. God is faithful. God makes the impossible- possible.
I want to ask for your prayers- that God would continue to heal me and my marriage. Prayers as I minister to others. And prayers that I would be able to do the work He has called me to do.
To conclude, I’m not telling anyone that birth control pills are evil. However, I am saying that birth control pills should be thoroughly researched before being taken. Women should weigh the pro’s and con’s of taking such a pill. It has become the norm for both young girls and grown women to take birth control without question- I just ask that you ask questions and make sure that you are making the best choice for yourself and your husband.
