Our Underestimation of Parenthood

BOY! What a magical, wonderful whirlwind. Being a mom has been, and still is, an incredible experience.

The labor and delivery of our little Leo was incredible (That story will be shared on another post, for another day). Since we gave birth at a birthing center, we went home the same day I delivered , which was both wonderful and terrifying. Our first night with him was one of the hardest, emotionally draining nights so far.

One word: breastfeeding.

I completely underestimated the difficulty of breastfeeding. Even though I went to the classes, I read SO many resources, talked with many moms- the fact is, nothing can fully prepare you for the emotional roller coaster that is breastfeeding (especially that first night). Before I left the birthing center, I was able to get Leo to latch once. It was difficult, and my midwife talked me through it and worked with me on positioning and proper latching, but eventually he latched and I felt confident that if I did it once, I could do it again. However, when it came time to nurse that night, this was easier said than done. I tried everything, but the poor baby wouldn't latch and instead was just crying and crying- so we cried together as I held him close, hoping and praying that my milk would be sufficient and that we would be able to do this whole breastfeeding thing. I tried to nurse him for almost 4 hours with no success. At that point, I was really worried about him starving. I laid him back down to sleep (on my chest), and I laid awake to make sure he was breathing. About an hour later, I tried to nurse again. This time, he latched but it was incorrect. I didn't care and even though it hurt SO bad, he was eating so I didn't try to latch him correctly. This trend continued for the first 36 hours. I do NOT recommend this. Ask for help, contact your lactation consultant, keep trying. I was stubborn and I wanted to figure it out on my own and my fear of him starving drove me to keep doing it wrong. With both nipples bloody and tender, nursing was definitely not something I enjoyed. Thankfully, we had an appointment with our midwives two days after his birth and they provided me with a nipple shield to help them heal while continuing to nurse. I'm telling you- it was magic and was SO helpful. We are working on weening him off of the shield and while that has taken almost a week, we have gone almost two days without using it at all! YAY! So new moms who are wanting to breastfeed- stick with it, ask for help, and if you need to cry- do it! But be confident, don't get frustrated with your little one- you are both learning!
                                    

Once we got the hang of breastfeeding, life with a newborn got much easier (but not easy). Leo is a pretty gassy baby and we are still working on finding the culprit. Am I not burping well? Is it something I'm eating? Does he have reflux?
Sometimes he just cries and not being able to soothe or figure out why he is crying is truly heartbreaking. He really hates clothes and sleeping in his bassinet. Since he spits up so much, we haven't been worried so much with the bassinet because we were worried he would choke if he was on his back. So instead we opted to let him sleep on our chests or elevated in the swing. We now have some triangles to help keep him on his side and are using books to elevate his head in the bassinet and my worry has diminished quite a bit. He still doesn't love sleeping in the bassinet, but he's getting better! Its so true though, that moms will just stare at their babies while they sleep to make sure they are still breathing. I sure did, and still do and don't regret it for a second. Despite what I've confessed so far, Leo is actually a pretty great baby. He is SO fun to watch and has this adorable personality. He loves to cuddle (and I don't mind either). He's perfect even when things are tough for mom and dad.

As far as the rest of parenthood goes- I once again underestimated everything. I underestimated how much netflix I could watch in one day. How long I can go without sleep. How well my body adjusts to 1.5-2 hour sleeps. How much I don't care how many times I get peed on, pooped on, spit up on. How hard it is to get a baby to go to sleep. I underestimated how much laundry I would be doing (EVERYDAY). I underestimated my family and friends and how much they would care for us.

I underestimated how many hours I would spend simply staring into his perfect eyes and getting lost in the beauty and blessing that God had given us. I underestimated how much I would love sleeping with Leo on my chest. How much I truly needed to rely on God for strength, patience, and understanding. I underestimated how much more I could fall in love with Andrew as I watched him be a daddy and care for me so well. How much I loved watching Leo's animated expressions. I underestimated how different life would be with our baby and how much I would love it.

But mostly, I underestimated the depth of love that I was capable of.

I love you little Leo- more than words can ever say.