Ramblings of an Almost Full-term Pregnant Woman.

As I sit here sipping my tea, just finishing up my second bath of the day, I am realizing what all those seasoned moms have been talking about: The last few weeks of pregnancy can be pretty miserable at times.

When I sit, my back hurts. When I lay down, I feel sick. I'm popping tums like candy and my throat still feels like a cauldron of acid. Leo's kicks are getting stronger and, though I love to feel his perfect little body kick and stretch, my ribs wouldn't mind the break. Braxton Hicks contractions have started and though I don't feel all of them (or they don't hurt), there have been a few that have given me a false alarm as to my labor beginning. I am exhausted.

Do I regret getting pregnant? Absolutely not. I love that I have this opportunity. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow a child inside of me and be his mommy but that doesn't mean that I LOVE every second of it (but I have loved almost all of it). Something that our birthing class talked about this week was the fact that we can be joyful and excited and grateful AND at the same time not love every second of the struggle we are going through. This seemingly contradictory statement reminds me of Paul in the book of James, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when we face trials and temptations..." (James 1:2-4). Does anyone actually love struggling? No. Can we still find joy in the struggle? Absolutely. Totally. Yes. 

Side note: Every new mom should take a GOOD birthing class. Ours, at Baby+Co, have been SO informative and I feel super prepared to give birth. 

At 35 weeks pregnant, the reality of giving birth and actually having to raise a child is finally starting to set in. While the fear can be crippling, I must continue to turn to God for the strength and knowledge of what I am supposed to do and how we are supposed to parent. This entire journey has caused me to rely more and more on God and less on myself and Andrew. While it is liberating, it has also been difficult to let go of control. When fear and doubt start creeping in, I am reminded of John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you: my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

This verse has also applied to my decision about my career. 

A lot of people have been wondering and asking about what I will be doing after Leo arrives. Will I continue to work for PPM full time? Will I continue to travel and lead trips? Will my roll change at all with PPM? The answer to all of these questions is YES. But let me explain.

After my 12 weeks of maternity leave, I will be returning to PPM full-time sometime in February. Shortly thereafter, in Mid-March, I will begin leading trips again. This is where things will change the most.

For the past three years, my focus has been in Tucson, AZ and I have been part of the Western US team. I have LOVED working in Tucson- the family I have inherited, the friends I have made, the ministries that have forever changed my heart. But my time and focus has now been shifted to Miami, FL. I have led a handful of trips in Miami and have been there a few times on vacation. The vibrant colors, the diversity, the busyness- it's such a beautiful place in desperate need of Jesus. While I'm sad to leave Tucson, I am thrilled for this new opportunity in the East US team.

Let me rewind here a minute.
Once Andrew and I found out we were having a baby, I began to think about leaving Praying Pelican, but I wanted to seek God's direction. At first, I felt sure that I would leave as there were a handful of concerns that kept weighing on me and Andrew.
Concern 1: Traveling 10-15 weeks a year is a LOT, and though many of my co-workers do it with their babies, I just didn't think that that was what God had in store for our family.
Concern 2: Travel to Tucson was usually about an 8-9 hour endeavor, plus a three hour time difference. Bringing an infant back and forth with that sort of travel and time difference wasn't exactly appealing. The thought of it generally made me want to cry (maybe that was the pregnancy hormones too...). I simply didn't want to do this. Transitions are going to be hard enough as it is.
Concern 3: Finances. Being in ministry as a missionary doesn't exactly pay a lot. I'm thankful that we even get paychecks, as many missionaries I know have to fundraise 100% of their income. We only have to fundraise a portion of ours. That being said, I was never super diligent about fundraising because the income we had was enough for the two of us (but we didn't really put away any savings). How in the world were we going to afford to a child? Or the extra expenses that come with?
Concern 4: Healthcare and insurance. Need I really say more? It's SO expensive.
Concern 5: I love PPM and what we do and what we stand for. However, as with any job, there are parts that just aren't as enjoyable as others. Unfortunately, a large chunk of my time was required on things that I truly didn't enjoy doing and in turn, made me question whether the good parts outweighed the not-so-fun seasons.

And here is how God answered each one of those concerns without me needing to voice them to the organization. This is how God confirmed and gave me peace about staying with this wonderful organization. I didn't even approach my supervisor about most of these concerns, though I was planning on it during a set of meetings that I was unable to attend.

Concerns 1 and 2 kind of go together. My travel requirement will still be pretty heavy- with leading between 8-10 trips a year and having to attend 3 sets of week-long meetings. This doesn't including time before or after trips that I use to sit and talk with Pastors, prepare for teams, and find new partners. However, with the bulk of my travel being to Miami, traveling wont be so difficult. Andrew should be able to come with me some of the time and it will be easier (and cheaper) to fly him down in between trips for when we need that time together, especially on my longer stretches away from home. I had not recently asked directly to be placed in Miami, but it was definitely a desire of mine to be there. Travel was a huge reason why, but also because I had fallen in love with our ministry partners there.
Concern 3: God has continued to show us week after week of my pregnancy that He is the ultimate provider. While I still have much fundraising to do, our finances are not the center of attention. Andrew has been blessed with a part-time job that allows him to work from home and pays well. He also has two contracted social media jobs that provide a little extra at the end of every month. Yes, I still need to do some fundraising, but overall, God has given me a peace about where we are and a knowledge that He will continue to provide for us.
Concern 4: This goes right into concern 3. Both Andrew and I turn 26 this year, therefore we must get our own health insurance (or pay a ridiculous fine for not having it). This, in itself, was a concern of ours at the beginning of the year. Then we got pregnant, thankfully my current insurance will continue to cover me until November 22nd and our baby for the first 30 days of his life. But what happens after that? We had to start figuring all of that out now. When I first started looking at the marketplace- I. was. terrified. $400/month for basic health insurance for two people, over $600 for three or more? We didn't qualify for medicaid or any government subsidies, so we were trying to figure out how in the world we were going to be able to pay for $600 extra a month for insurance as well as just the extra cost of having a newborn in the house. I became overwhelmed with stress and fear. Then the Lord said, once again, "I will take care of you." And He did. Long story short- we didn't realize some of the available options through our jobs for health insurance and after asking more questions about how everything works- we are excited to say that our insurance will be covered at 100%, minus co-pays and such. SUCH A BLESSING.
And finally, concern 5. One of the biggest seasons at Praying Pelican is recruiting teams. While I LOVE talking to people about Praying Pelican, being on the phone talking with people I don't know well can be pretty stressful for me. It wasn't exactly the season I looked forward to. Rather, I LOVE consulting with teams, which is talking to groups to plan their trips and prepare them for an awesome week of ministry in a location they are new to. I LOVE talking with Pastors and partners to prepare them for teams that are coming in to serve alongside them. I love building relationships with people who desire to serve. Without me asking, I was put on a consulting team that allows for more time spent making sure teams and pastors are prepared for their trip, and a little less time spent on the phone with people who are still deciding if they want to go on a trip with us or not. I wasn't necessarily silent about not loving the recruiting season, but I never directly asked to be moved elsewhere. But God knew the desires of my heart and has made a way for me.

God had an answer for every single concern that I had going into parenthood and figuring out the next steps for our growing family in conjunction with PPM.
The peace that Andrew and I have in our decision to stay with Praying Pelican came only from God. As I said earlier, I was almost sure that I wouldn't be continuing my full time position with PPM and had convinced myself that there was just no way we could do it, that it was not possible.

But God does the impossible.