Time Travel

How many times have we looked back on our life and asked the question "What If?"
How many times have we looked back with regret on our life and begged "If only"

"if" is a big word for only two letters

Too many times, I have looked back on my life full of regret.
Too many times, I have looked back on my life and thought- "Dear Jesus, what was I thinking. Why did you let me do that!?"
Not enough times have I looked back on my life and thought about how God was molding me into who I am today.
Ya know, its cliche, the whole "everything happens for a reason" or "never regret what you did yesterday, it made you into who you are today."  And while there is truth to that, how many times do we REALLY sit and think about how our life has shaped us. How many times have we sat and thought about how the mistakes we made when we were teenagers were, unfortunately the same mistakes we made in our 20s- because we never really thought about how those mistakes were supposed to shape us.

Too often those cliche's are there to justify actions that we had full control over. And sometimes those cliche's are there to comfort us in times when we didn't have any control.

It is up to us to find out the difference.

I've tried not to think about all of the stupid things I did when I was a teenager. All the stupid things I continued to do in college and through my early 20's. All the stupid things I still do today.
I've hurt a lot of people. I've been hurt by a lot of people. These facts are my driving force to bury my past and not think about the implications they have had on my life today- to not learn from the stupidity I once showed. Such as my clothing choices...

Unfortunately- and yet with great pleasure- those mistakes are being dug up. Those mistakes are being brought to the light. Most of these mistakes I can't make right. I can't go back to middle school and take my focus off of the boys I was interested in and focus on school. I can't go back and take away the things I said when I was angry, or upset, or boy crazy. I can't go back 10 years and be there for a friend who lost so much when her parents divorced. I can't go back 5 years and un-screw up the best friendship I had with one of the greatest, most selfless people I ever knew. I can't go back. But how I want to step on those butterflies. How I want the Doctor to come and take me away and let me interfere with my own timeline, I don't care about the strength of the paradox- I just want to make things right! How I wish I could write a letter to myself and send it back in time to change the things I can't change today.
How I wish I could go back. But the reality is a harsh one- I can't go back. But I can't just bury those mistakes again, so what do I do?

I must learn. I must push forward.
I must not bury truth. I must not cower under the weight of past mistakes because Jesus has set me free from those mistakes!

So what do I do- what are my next steps. I can't, and shouldn't rehash and relive every mistake I made or every scene in my life. But I should look back AND DOCUMENT how God was shaping me and maybe I can help someone else avoid the same mistakes I made. I can go back and apologize to the people I hurt. Though One Republic said "It's too late to apologize" Three Days Grace said "It's not too late- never too late." Ha.

When nostalgia knocks you off your feet it can be bittersweet. Joyous laughter could erupt, or painful tears could well up inside. I definitely have both emotions. Sometimes its necessary to turn up the music and look through the pictures and let that flood of emotions run through you. It's good to feel- It's good to look back and learn. 

Cue Tim McGraw, Blake Shelton, Avril Lavigne, Akon and Young Jeezy...

I LOVED my youth- my friends, my family, my church. But it was like when I went to college I moved to a parallel universe and completely forgot everything I learned and became a different person. I forgot that boys really weren't the center of the universe. I forgot that my actions have consequences and that not telling the whole truth is the exact same as lying. I forgot that friendship takes work. I forgot that I told myself I would never play with anyone's heart again. I forgot that life didn't revolve around me. A lesson I knew, one that I learned time and time again growing up, but decided to completely forget when I went away to college.

I forgot who I was and who I wanted to be. I became who everyone wanted me to be. 

It's funny, after I started to write this I watched the last episode of season 7 of "Dr. Who." Matt Smith, the Doctor, said what I meant during his dramatic regeneration (if you haven't watched it yet and are watching the show, SPOILERS). Watch the 4 minute video from Season 7:

Important transcript:

The Doctor: It all just disappears doesn't it? Everything you are, gone in a moment like- breath on a mirror. Any moment now, he’s a coming.

Clara: Who? Who's coming? 

The Doctor: The Doctor 

Clara: You. You are the Doctor.

The Doctor: I always will be. But times change and so must I... We all change, when you think about it. We are all different people all through our lives and that's okay, that's good you've got to keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me..."

cue the tears.

The Doctor's speech hit home. "So long as you remember all the people that you used to be."

I forgot.

Now, it is time to remember- remember in order to make right. Remember in order to move forward in knowledge and not ignorance. Remember in order to see how God was constantly pulling me to Himself and guiding my path and working together ALL things for His glory.

As I begin this process of remembering, I will write down the lessons that God taught me throughout my life. I'm so excited to map out how God brought me where I am today- where I will be.